I have a new ulcer as of this week, the little blighter reared up on Sunday just behind my upper lip. Until today I have been unable to apply Bonjela, the wonder stuff, to the urchin as I had misplaced my tube.

Normally I keep my Bonjela on my bedside cabinet, along with my Germolene, but for some reason it had gone walkabout. The trouble was it had been so long since my last encounter with the pure evil of mouth ulceration that I had clean forgotten the whereabouts of said Bonny J.

This morning I was rooting around the cupboard under the stairs looking for my cheque book when I noticed my long lost tube of Bonjela sitting on the floor next to the Baileys & Limoncello. I just stopped looking for the cheque book immediately and declared out loud "found you", before eagerly and manically applying Bonjela to my unwanted friend, the ulcer.

So far today I have applied around five times, and already I can tell the bastard is taking marching orders with some severity from my repeated applications. Quite magnificent, I think you will agree.