Bonjela Is My Friend

Bonjela can never be subdued, ever. I find myself bonjelaless for the first time in months. Being Christmas Eve I did not bring my current tube with me for fear of loosing the magical gel whilst out and about.
Tomorrow I will covet my bonjela in the most mystical of ways by inviting it to dine with me at an establishment that is upper class and priced in the upper most quartiles of fun and silliness.
I will eat meat and my bonjela will eat space invaders. Your concern is unjust and my bonjela is fruit filled.

Attention: Reckitt Benckiser

Please can you produce a bonjela presentation case, to be used much in the same way as people store their most precious cutlery.

More known side effects of Bonjela:

Lethargy
Euphoria
Rash Decision Making
Hole In One
Fogginess
Mugginess
Drunkeness
Smelling Like Cabbage
Hair Duplicating
Sugar-Free Rush
Misting
Light Bulbs
Learning A Foreign Language
Currency Issues
Speediness
Recovery
Warning Light
Increased Word Length
Decreased Vocabulary
Intermittent Alarm
Bonjela Infatuation

Proceed with caution.

Bonjela says: "a little shy shrew meandering through the forest, like a pencil on paper. Enduring image, is it not?"

Bonjela carries the following side effects:

Happiness
Wealthiness
Shortness of scalp
Bags of juice
Elation
Elysian Perineum Coagulation
Foolhardiness
Chomping At The Bit
Tongue Envy
Screwdriver Paste
tomtom
Superman
Ex-Lax
Current-Lax
Raisins
Chocolate Starlights
Heap Big Trouble
Baldness Emulator
Super Nintendo Syndrome
Cats
Gold Leaf
Hot Flannel

If you experience some or all of these side effects, then count yourself lucky.

I just had a sudden craving for bonjela, so I quickly grabbed the tube from my bag and unfurled.
I must have squeezed the rambunctious gel too hard on my last usage for immediately, after unscrewing the lid, the gel started to surface. Being a bit of an old hat in such a situation I applied pressure along the sides of the tube causing the tube to suck the bonjela back to where it belongs (for storage purposes). I had a quick nab at the Bonner J to celebrate and rubbed it under my tongue. Delicious.

Bonjela does a poo everyday at half past two.

If bonjela was able it would ride around on a bike with a megaphone shouting 'I'm going on holiday next week, and they say I'm mad'.

This time I put the tube in my mouth and sucked the bonjela out, very much the same approach you'd take with a rainbow straw. This, is nice.

I haven't even got a mouth ulcer and I've just this minute taken a lick of bonjela and spread it over the inside of my cheeks. I used my tongue like a spatula to ensure an even coverage. Lush.

For those of you who thought olbas oil produced the best inhalation vapour for clearing a blocked nasal passage, think again.
Simply adding a squirt of bonjela to some boiling water will create a lovely little vapour for such a job. All you need to do is pour the boiling water and bonjela combo into a bowl and place a towel over your bonce whilst leering over the bowl. Now inhale the vaporised bonjela and enjoy the goodness.

I never throw away empty tubes of Bonjela. Instead I display them in a trophy cabinet.

Oh bonny J, Oh Bonny J, Oh Bonny J goes marching in.
Contrary to popular belief the tube bonjela is packaged within is not, I repeat not, magnetic. I can confirm this with such vigour for a very simple reason. This is that I tried to stick my magnetic dart onto the tube today and there was no cigar, that's no cigar. In other words the dart would not stick.
My dart will attract paperclips, bulldog clips and drawing pins by way of magnetic force, so there.

I am Bonjela

I am NOT Comic Sans

I am bags of computer chips

I am 4 reams of A4 paper

I am condensation on aircraft

I am announcing my retirement from the world of Bantamweight Boxing

I am playing at Wembley

I am signing copies of my autobiography

I am creating a time capsule for my children so that they may one day experience the joy I bring to many who suffer from mouth ulcers

I am not a suitable adhesive for sticking photos into photo albums

I work at the root cause of mouth ulcers, eliminating the naughty bacteria that cause irritation

I am Bonjela

I am scraps of tape glued together

I am mathematical equations

I am oxidisation

I am photosynthesis

I am environmentally friendly

I am made from Bonjela from sustainable Bonjela forests

I am changing my name to Bonjela Patel

Just had a little taster of bonjela, tip of the tongue as per. I was distraught yesterday when I nearly forgot to take my current tube home with me in the ruk bag. I was angry at myself for such mindlessness, I wouldn't have ever forgiven myself had I left my bonjela high and dry without me for the night. God bless you bonjela, you're too good to me.

Jerry Bruckheimer (Jerome) struggles trying to put the incorrect lid on a tube of Bonjela.

I am Bonjela

I was the inspiration behind the Konami code (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start)

I am saving up for an HD-Ready LCD TV

I have a shoebox that contains all my old receipts, should the Inland Revenue ever want to see what I spend my hard earned money on

I can play the opening lick to My Sharona on the bass guitar

I don't use In-Ear headphones

I floss when I remember to

I sometimes get very excited even though it's not a Friday afternoon

I was once engaged to a tube of TCP cream

I am manufactured by Reckit Benckiser Healthcare (UK) Ltd

I apply bonjela to my tongue in much the same way you would apply chapstick to your lips.

The consumption of a blob of Bonjela a day lengthens the life of a human being by 5 mins a day. After a year of applying Bonjela you'll have 1.26 days to play with by my calculations. Plus, Bonjela gives you the ability to add this time to your life at anytime. It works by stopping time for everyone else whilst (in this example) you potter around for a 1.26 days. At the end of the period you've saved time starts again. It works by you standing in front of any mirror and repeating the words 'Bonjela' three times, that's when time stops and you get to use your Bonjela hours.

I am Bonjela

I'm sugar free, and to the best of my knowledge I have no sugar included counterpart

This is Bonjela, in musical form you see.

Contrary to medical belief, I make a very hearty accompaniment to a wide range of common or garden foodstuffs.

Thus:

Bonjela avec toast

You will need one tube of Bonjela, 2/4/6 slices of bread (even numbers work best when satiating hunger), a tub of Olivio (or similar Olive Oil based spread, Bonjela promotes the healthier bread lubricants).

Toast the bread lightly, not too burnt. You don't want the burnt loaf to overpower the taste of the Bonjela.

Once the bread is toasted to perfection, wipe an Olivio coated knife over the face of the slice, ensuring an even coverage.

Squeeze a liberal amount of Bonjela onto the forehead of the toast, making sure that you cover every nook and cranny with the sweet substance. Repeat as necessary for additional slices.

If you like your Bonjela thick then ensure you have enough tubes of Bonjela to apply to each toasted slice.

Bonjela cakes

You will need one tube of Bonjela, 1 cake.

Remove the cake from the packaging.

Squeeze a hefty lump of Bonjela onto the pinnacle of the cake.

Spread thinly with the appropriate knife for the job.

Hey presto, your favourite cake coupled with your favourite mouth ulcer treatment. A medley of flavour, NOT a cacophony as some might suggest. No sir.  

Bangers and Bonjela 

You will need one tube of Bonjela (per person per serving per second per second per second), some mighty potatoes (the less mighty variety will suffice if you are having trouble finding stern spuds), a handful of sausages.

If you have small hands then get a local basketball player or large appendaged freak to help you out.

Cook the sausages in a conventional oven, or grill, or pan, or place them under a radiator for a few days to cure.

Boil your spuds in Thames water (Evian will make do if you don't have access to Thames water).

Prepare your hands for squeezing the Bonjela.

Mash your boiled potatoes.

Mash numerous times until creamy and sugar free.

Place the Bonjela mash on a plate.

Insert sausages as required.

Consume with a glass of pomegranate juice, it's good for your heart!

 

More recipes on the way.

The last day I drank tea, a good few weeks ago now, I had two cups. Not unusual in itself, I grant ye. However I made the brews particularly potent and the result from such a strong broth upon me was receivership of a mouth ulcer.
This was, of course, unhappy news.
The situation was particularly grave because the ulcer occurred in a rather distinguished area of my mouth cavity. Under my tongue on a little flap of skin on the right was where the little critter decided to show. Well, I'd never known such insolence in an ulcer given the location of said blighter.
What made matters worse was the fact that I couldn't stop playing with it with my tongue. Many an hour was whiled away, me and my ulcer playing away. As you can imagine this made the ulcer angry and eating my sandwiches became quite an uncomfortable experience.
Believing my powers of immunity to be rather super human I decided not to treat the ulcer with any medication to start with. This was a biga mistaka to maka, for Bonjela could have easily halved the length of my ulcers stay. I started using some Bonjela pretty darn sharpish I can tell you.
I used it sparingly at first because I hardly had any left and was having to really strain to extract Bonjela from the tube. What I tend to do is lay the Bonjela tube out on a flat surface and use the leading edge of an audio cassette to scrape the tube from back to front. This, I find, ensures no wastage of Bonjela by prizing the final excesses of Bonjela from its natural home.
Having completely unsaturated the tube of Bonny J I went down to Morrisons with a hop skip and a hoopla and procured myself a new tube. It was then that I unleashed the awesome power of a full blooded Bonjela assault on the unsuspecting and stupid ulcer. The swine didn't stand a chance.

I am Bonjela

If you're an American suffering from asthma (not mathsma) then please apply me liberally and watch the sparks fly

Just ate a Granny Smith which has flared up that wretched spot of the tip of me tongue a veritable treat. Another application of Bonjela is required. The acids from the apple need counter acting. Come on Bonjela, it's this way. Ouch, it stings, but it hurts so good Bonjela, it hurt so good.

Bump On The Tongue

I am Bonjela

If you're an American suffering from asthma (not mathsma) then please apply me liberally and watch the sparks fly

First application of Bonjela today was a portion to the tip of the tongue. I have acquired one of those irritating little spots on the end of my tongue that really do tend to irritate and I find Bonjela the perfeck tonic.
I squeezed a blob out of the tube and licked it off with my tongue right on the button. Then I strained with my tongue by flexing it into a sausage, which I find helps the Bonjela penetrate the bastard to maximum effect.