Bonjela Is My Friend

Have you seen this new Bonjela product doing the rounds? It's got some stupid name like "Bonjela Once" or "Bonjela Unlimited". It's essentially a cotton bud with liquid Bono in the tube. When you snap the tube, it secretes the magical liquid (via gravity) onto the cotton tip for easy application to the affected ulcerised area.

If you ask me, this is complete rubbish. Crapola. Why go to all the effort of snapping and applying with a cotton bud? If you really want to use a cotton bud, you'll do the smart thing and adhere some traditional Bonny J to a cotton tip, then stick it in your gob. What a load of horseshit. Why anyone would purchase this product is totally beyond my reasoning.

And another thing, Bonjela Cool? More like Bonjela Shite. You want the hard stuff, the good java. You want to jump in at the deep end and apply something that's gonna burn so good. "Mummy, can I use Bonjela Cool?". No, you little a-hole, just use the normal stuff like everyone else. You're not special, you're scum of the earth. Look at you, getting ulcers, you dirty little beggar. You unwashed scummer. You unclean child.

Bonjela is as Bonjela does, so stick that in your pie hole.

I have a new ulcer as of this week, the little blighter reared up on Sunday just behind my upper lip. Until today I have been unable to apply Bonjela, the wonder stuff, to the urchin as I had misplaced my tube.

Normally I keep my Bonjela on my bedside cabinet, along with my Germolene, but for some reason it had gone walkabout. The trouble was it had been so long since my last encounter with the pure evil of mouth ulceration that I had clean forgotten the whereabouts of said Bonny J.

This morning I was rooting around the cupboard under the stairs looking for my cheque book when I noticed my long lost tube of Bonjela sitting on the floor next to the Baileys & Limoncello. I just stopped looking for the cheque book immediately and declared out loud "found you", before eagerly and manically applying Bonjela to my unwanted friend, the ulcer.

So far today I have applied around five times, and already I can tell the bastard is taking marching orders with some severity from my repeated applications. Quite magnificent, I think you will agree.

An interesting conversation regarding Bonjela:

I have a massive mouth ulcer too and all my lip was swollen up, balloonish.

Vicious. I had one under my tongue all week from drinking so much Ribena, it was really uncomfortable. Bonjela had to be administered big time. I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you treat your ulcer?

I used some 2nd rate Bonjela substitute and it’s no good at all. I need to get myself down the chemist as soon as possible. It wont budge, its a real evil one.

Bonjela is just essential. I actually had two which have both been seen off by the wonder jela. The larger ulcers can be so troublesome; once they get to a certain size they are just impossible. You have to practically keep them immersed in a dome of bonny in order to deal them the blow that they so richly deserve. I'm telling you it is the only way. If all else fails eat Germoline to numb the pain.

I feel like operating on it its giving me such jip. 6 bloody days now

For crying out loud. 6 days? You have to be jerking my chain, man. I will lend you some bonny tomorrow, haven't got it on me.

Bonny would be good if that’s okay, I’ll try and buy some later if I can though, save using yours.

Mine has been serving me well. It's been about a bit: Leeds, Nottingham, Redhill & Reigate. All the while I had it safely at my finger tips- it stowed away in my pocket, you see? My ideal scenario for eliminating mouth ulcers is to sit and swill Bonjela with Ouzo.

Ouzo would work, I can see that.

Or Pernod (Ricard primarily), Sambuca could do a job but is ill advised for my money. Have you tried dissolving Bonjela dollops in boiling water and then breathing in the vapors with a towel over your head?

I have not tried that, no sir.

You must give it a go. If nothing else the physical act of doing something like this will scare the ulcer into being a little less "tetchy", shall we say.

Always apply generously
The more the better, eating a whole tube is acceptable behavior
In the case of a tongue spot:
Allow the dollop to rest on the ulceration and then strain the muscles in your tongue, this will make the blighter sting and you know you're onto a winner
Buy yourself a little presentation case and keep your Bonjela in it, preferably with a velvet lining
Give your Bonjela pride of place on the mantle
When decorating, use Bonjela as an emergency replacement for applications such as no more nails and wallpaper paste
When serving Ouzo or Pernod, cover the rim of the glass in a layer of Bonjela
Keep Bonjela on a lanyard round your neck to negate misplacement when out and about
Do try not to bend and flex the tube, this can cause small tears from which Bonjela can escape
If you can afford to, heat a cup full of Bonjela and drink the syrup up. Great for stomach ulcers

I had a little tidy up in my bedroom the other day and uncovered a bit of a nasty situation. On my bedside cabinet, next to the DAB Radio alarm clock, I discovered a rather beaten up old tube of Bonjela. My heart immediately sank as I considered the plight of this poor tube of Bonjela; I had left it there amongst the mess unbeknown to me. Well, I picked up the sorry looking tube and put it in the rubbish, for it was in fact empty. At least no actual Bonjela had been harmed as a result of my neglect. What I did was tantamount to treason and I feel ashamed of what I did.

Yesterday I received this email from a fellow Bonjela enthusiast:

I'm havng wisdom tooth trouble at the mo... happens from time to time... I have fallen back on the old trusty bonjela (although the big "B" is being aided by some ibuprofen at the moment!)...

...Having exhausted my stash of bonjela at home I bought some more today... I must admit I bought in the hype and purchased (at increased expense) bonjela cool mint gel... I must say this cooler variety is a travesty... no satifying tingle on application is a great disappointment - as luck would have it I was ready for this eventuallity and backed up my purchase with a tube of the traditional variety of Bonnie J so all is not lost.

Kindest regards and finest best wishes,

G.

Morrisons sell Bonjela. You will note that somehow the inferior Soothagel has managed to steel into a small spot next to our great friend Bonjela, and to compound matters they are attempting to undercut the price of the gel of hope by a measly 8 pence. The poor fools! No one takes on Bonjela in the common mouth ulcer market and gets away with it. You'll see that it's a new product, well they'll be out of business soon enough. They underestimate the power of Bonjela, the poor fools!

I'd like to point out that the Germolene has taken up residence in the same vicinity as Bonjela, which is more than acceptable. Indeed a couple of boxes of Bonny J have visited their Gemolene neighbours. It's so much better when they all get along.

New advertising slogan for Bonjela advertising campaign.

It's a bonny day for Bonny J! 

Here are some facts about Bonjela that you probably didn't know:

Scientists were searching for a cure for the common cold when Bonjela was discovered.

Bonjela is actually an element in the periodic table. It's elemental symbol is BN and it has a melting point of 1500 degrees celsius, making it more resilient than water. Also, if you say the letters of the elemental symbol (BN) quickly, then it sounds like "Bien" which is French for "Good". Bonjela is obviously "Good" as well.

Bonjela can be applied by using a special applicator manufactured by Reckitt-Benckiser. The applicator is made from argon gas and cling film as these are the only two substances that are known to work in harmony with the volatile nature of Bonjela.

Bonjela is a great family planning device. Just apply to the inside of the mouth if you experience "Post-Coitus Mouth Ulcers" and it will sort them out a right treat.

Bonjela works great as a light snack between meals. 9 out of 10 slimmers recommend it's zingy antiseptic flavour.

The flavour in Bonjela is derived from naturally occuring Bonjela found in Bonny Bushes. This is how indigenous peoples recover from mouth sores, by licking the leaves of the Bonny Bush.

Bonjela was the original code word for what would later become "Operation Overlord". As you all know this is still the largest sea borne invasion in history. Bonjela was gutted when it found out that there would not be an "Operation Bonjela".

Bonjela lives on in the hearts and minds of our forefathers who served in the great wars so that we could be free to enjoy it's zingy antiseptic flavour.

Bonjela Jr. recently procured an "Employee Of The Month" badge here at work. Bonjela Jr. didn't actually win this accolade, he just found it in the toilets. You see, someone had taken it off to wash their hands, and Bonjela Jr. stepped up to the plate and whipped it away using a cough as a diversionary tactic.

Bonjela would like to pretend that it is much more than a pretty oral antiseptic mouth treatment, but the fact remains that it will never make good on those ideas above it's station.

Never.