I had a little tidy up in my bedroom the other day and uncovered a bit of a nasty situation. On my bedside cabinet, next to the DAB Radio alarm clock, I discovered a rather beaten up old tube of Bonjela. My heart immediately sank as I considered the plight of this poor tube of Bonjela; I had left it there amongst the mess unbeknown to me. Well, I picked up the sorry looking tube and put it in the rubbish, for it was in fact empty. At least no actual Bonjela had been harmed as a result of my neglect. What I did was tantamount to treason and I feel ashamed of what I did.

Yesterday I received this email from a fellow Bonjela enthusiast:

I'm havng wisdom tooth trouble at the mo... happens from time to time... I have fallen back on the old trusty bonjela (although the big "B" is being aided by some ibuprofen at the moment!)...

...Having exhausted my stash of bonjela at home I bought some more today... I must admit I bought in the hype and purchased (at increased expense) bonjela cool mint gel... I must say this cooler variety is a travesty... no satifying tingle on application is a great disappointment - as luck would have it I was ready for this eventuallity and backed up my purchase with a tube of the traditional variety of Bonnie J so all is not lost.

Kindest regards and finest best wishes,

G.

Morrisons sell Bonjela. You will note that somehow the inferior Soothagel has managed to steel into a small spot next to our great friend Bonjela, and to compound matters they are attempting to undercut the price of the gel of hope by a measly 8 pence. The poor fools! No one takes on Bonjela in the common mouth ulcer market and gets away with it. You'll see that it's a new product, well they'll be out of business soon enough. They underestimate the power of Bonjela, the poor fools!

I'd like to point out that the Germolene has taken up residence in the same vicinity as Bonjela, which is more than acceptable. Indeed a couple of boxes of Bonny J have visited their Gemolene neighbours. It's so much better when they all get along.

New advertising slogan for Bonjela advertising campaign.

It's a bonny day for Bonny J! 

Here are some facts about Bonjela that you probably didn't know:

Scientists were searching for a cure for the common cold when Bonjela was discovered.

Bonjela is actually an element in the periodic table. It's elemental symbol is BN and it has a melting point of 1500 degrees celsius, making it more resilient than water. Also, if you say the letters of the elemental symbol (BN) quickly, then it sounds like "Bien" which is French for "Good". Bonjela is obviously "Good" as well.

Bonjela can be applied by using a special applicator manufactured by Reckitt-Benckiser. The applicator is made from argon gas and cling film as these are the only two substances that are known to work in harmony with the volatile nature of Bonjela.

Bonjela is a great family planning device. Just apply to the inside of the mouth if you experience "Post-Coitus Mouth Ulcers" and it will sort them out a right treat.

Bonjela works great as a light snack between meals. 9 out of 10 slimmers recommend it's zingy antiseptic flavour.

The flavour in Bonjela is derived from naturally occuring Bonjela found in Bonny Bushes. This is how indigenous peoples recover from mouth sores, by licking the leaves of the Bonny Bush.

Bonjela was the original code word for what would later become "Operation Overlord". As you all know this is still the largest sea borne invasion in history. Bonjela was gutted when it found out that there would not be an "Operation Bonjela".

Bonjela lives on in the hearts and minds of our forefathers who served in the great wars so that we could be free to enjoy it's zingy antiseptic flavour.

Bonjela Jr. recently procured an "Employee Of The Month" badge here at work. Bonjela Jr. didn't actually win this accolade, he just found it in the toilets. You see, someone had taken it off to wash their hands, and Bonjela Jr. stepped up to the plate and whipped it away using a cough as a diversionary tactic.

Bonjela would like to pretend that it is much more than a pretty oral antiseptic mouth treatment, but the fact remains that it will never make good on those ideas above it's station.

Never.

I've just been to the barbers shop and when he tidied my neck up using his cutthroat razor he went bloody doolally. I was in serious need of some Germolene but alas had left it at home, so I decided to rub some Bonjela into the sore patches on my neck. It stung like a wretch and I even let out a yelp, but the sweet smell of the magical teething gel of hope brought me comfort and joy. This cancelled out the negative of the stingers and may have even lifted the whole experience into the positive. I wouldn't like to say.

To conclude, I would not recommend application of Bonjela for shave burn up. I would however suggest giving it a go as a shaving foam alternative. This is something I would be more than willing to try. I once tried using e45 as an alternative to shaving foam, for I had found myself in a bit of a rut shaving foam wise. It didn't work very well. The reason for this was that the razor kept getting stuck in my bristles. Fearing a cut or worse I avalanched my face with e45 and managed to pull off a rather half arsed shave, but a shave nevertheless. I think the Bonjela shave would be markedly better than the e45 shave, but that's just my opinion.

I think petrol stations should be converted to dispense Bonjela instead of petroleum gasoline.

There's no shame in purchasing Bonjela for use in your mouth, that's what it is there for after all. If nature intended something else to be used as an oral treatment for bacterial nasties, then nature would have given us "Germolene For Your Mouth". Subsequently this isn't the best way to market an oral treatment, and thus Bonjela was born.

Do you understand what I'm talking about? I'm talking about Bonjela on an unprecedented scale. A cataclysmic, apocalyptic, seismic shockwave of sorts. The kind that you can rub into your gums and smother on your tongues without further ado or embarrassment.

We will win this fight against ulcers, by God we will.

This is Bonjela Smith signing off.

You may as well just buy Bonjela.